Parenting The Socially Phobic and Avoidant Adult

SEASON

EPISODE

"Adult Selective Mutism"

Mike, now 35, describes how childhood selective mutism developed into chronic avoidance, social anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Although a good student, mutism prevented him from attending college and contributed to an almost nonexistent social life and depression before he eventually began overcoming these deeply ingrained patterns.

Episode Overview

What This Episode Is About

“Mike,” age 35, describes how selective mutism and severe social anxiety evolved into a lifelong pattern of avoiding conversation and other people. Although he performed reasonably well academically, his social world progressively narrowed during adolescence. By adulthood, his routine consisted largely of going to work and returning home, with almost no social life and very few friendships. Mike believed he had “nothing to say,” a thought that reinforced his avoidance until he began recognizing it as part of an obsessive pattern rather than an objective truth. He explains how years of isolation contributed to depression, frustration, and significant anger. Treatment focused on reversing the deeply ingrained habit of avoiding communication and helping him actively participate in life. As his social functioning improved, he developed friendships, became happier, and experienced a substantial reduction in the anger that had accompanied years of isolation and disappointment.

At a Glance

This podcast is best for:

Parents, concerned adults, and professionals supporting adult children who struggle with social anxiety and avoidance.

Episode Details:

min,

sec

February 10, 2025

Full Transcript

This episode's transcript:

[00:00:00]

I’m sitting here with Mike. Mike, thanks for doing this interview. Thank you. Mike, how old are you? I’m 35. What was going on when you first came into the program? I was suffering from social anxiety. I didn’t talk to anyone. I hardly had any friends. I had like maybe one or two friends and they were like through my like brothers. All I did basically was go to work and go home. I didn’t go anywhere at night. I basically didn’t go anywhere and just just go to work and go home. I didn’t really socialize with anyone. I was avoided talking to anyone. I went out of my way to make sure I wasn’t in a situation where I had to talk to someone and I just totally avoided people. Talk a little bit about this avoidance of talking specifically.

[00:00:54]

What was that like? What was going on in your head? How did that translate into the behavior you’re describing? Well, that was basically whenever I would talk to someone, as soon as I would start talking to them or they would approach me and talk to me, I always got the thought of my head that I didn’t have anything to say. I always wanted the conversation to end. I was thinking I wanted to end now, now, and it would just overpower me that you don’t have anything to say. Stop talking. Do you remember the battle that you and I used to have in session when you said I’m here because I don’t have anything to say and I challenged you? Do you remember how I challenged you? Yeah, I remember that. I always told you I didn’t have anything to say and you always thought it wasn’t true. You said that it was because I was afraid of being embarrassed and now that as time goes by, I realize that I actually do have things to say and I was wrong or totally wrong about not having anything to say. I do have things to say. I just have to find it within myself to bring that out. That’s very good. I remember saying it’s not that you don’t have anything to say. It’s that you’re choosing whether consciously or unconsciously not to say these things. Yeah, in a way, I was choosing just not to talk. I just always had the belief in my head that I don’t have anything to say and that it made conversation with people feel difficult. Now, I know that you came originally to the program because you knew it was for

[00:02:38]

social anxiety. But do you remember when I first used the specific word selective mutism? Yes, I remember that. How’d you feel? It made sense. It’s like I chose not to talk and it made sense to me, selective mutism. It’s sort of like, I guess I thought that that was me. Did that term hurt your feelings at all? No, it didn’t hurt my feelings at all. No. This social anxiety and difficulty with communication and expression was going on for how long? It started about, at the time I was in like 7th or 8th grade, I guess about 13 or 14 years old. Before that, I was different. I had a lot of friends and about 7th or 8th grade, I went to a different school junior high and things just, for some reason, I don’t really know why or understand why things just started to change. And I sort of like shied away from my friends. I didn’t talk to them. They just, like in school, they just became like under the face in the hallway. It’s like a stranger. And I like slowly lost friends until about like 12th grade. I really didn’t have any friends. I only had like one friend. And then after high school, I started working and nothing changed. It was, I lived my whole life with a avoiding conversation and trying not to be around people and avoiding them.

[00:04:16]

I remember some of those stories. Where would you say you’re out with your anger now? That has improved. Now that my life is going better, I’m happier at life. I’m doing things. I have friends. I don’t have the anger that I did before. I had a lot of anger. I don’t know if it was like towards society or that or, but I had a lot of anger in me. It was like just that the way life was going for me, it was just like anger and depression and sometimes it wouldn’t, sometimes it didn’t take much to get me angry at all. Thank you very much for sharing. Thank you.

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Jonathan Berent, LCSW

Psychotherapist & Author — Social Anxiety and Performance Anxiety

Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W., A.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist who has been practicing since 1978. He has created the Berent Treatment Method for Social Anxiety, which is the result of his clinical work with thousands of individuals of all ages with social anxiety since 1978. He has extensive clinical experience with avoidance and dependance personality disorder, and is the author of Work Makes Me Nervous: Overcome Anxiety and Build the Confidence to Succeed (Wiley, 2010), Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties (Simon & Schuster, 1992), and Social Anxiety: The Untold Story, which is a training course for mental health professionals in using the Berent Method to treat social anxiety. (Andrew Kukes Foundation, 2011).

SocialAnxiety.com, has served millions of unique visitors as a multimedia clearinghouse for patients, parents, and fellow mental health professionals in search of articles, educational materials, and books on social anxiety and related subjects. His library of clinical interviews appears to be the most documented clinical success with social anxiety.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
40+ years in private practice
Author of "Beyond Shyness" and "Work Makes Me Nervous"
Featured on national television and radio
Specialist in performance and social anxiety

Guest Speaker

Frequently Asked Questions

Common Questions About Social Anxiety Treatment

Why is my adult child socially isolated and avoiding other people?

Severe social anxiety can cause an adult child to avoid situations involving interaction, judgment, rejection, or emotional discomfort. This pattern becomes ingrained and worsens over time. Avoiding friends, dating, work, school, and social activities can become an established lifestyle. Isolation may appear to be a lack of motivation when it is part of a larger pattern of anxiety and avoidance. Co-morbid depression is common.

Why doesn’t my adult child have friends?

Chronic social anxiety can interfere with social skills, such as initiating conversations required in maintaining friendships. Participating in activities and tolerating the vulnerability involved in relationship development are required for sustaining friendships. Years of avoidance can also result in limited social experience, making future interactions feel even more intimidating and reinforcing isolation.

What is social anxiety disorder in adults?

Social anxiety disorder is more than shyness or nervousness. It is a condition in which the fear of being judged, embarrassed, or negatively evaluated becomes so intense that it interferes with everyday life. Adults with social anxiety often avoid conversations, relationships, employment opportunities, public situations, and other activities that involve interpersonal interaction. When left untreated, this pattern of avoidance can significantly affect independence, confidence, and overall quality of life.

Why does avoidance get worse over time?

It’s like putting money in the bank. The investment in avoidance accrues with time. Avoidance produces immediate relief from anxiety. That relief teaches the person that escaping or avoiding the situation was necessary, making avoidance more likely the next time anxiety occurs. Avoidance can become an addiction and a compulsion. As this cycle continues, the person’s world can become progressively smaller and dependence on family members can increase.

Can an adult overcome social anxiety after struggling with it since childhood?

Yes. The clinical interviews at www.social-anxiety.com are evidence of this. Long-standing social anxiety and avoidance can become deeply ingrained, but meaningful change is still possible. It takes hard work. When adult children are phobic and avoidant they lack initiative for their mental health. Parents need to learn a therapeutic strategy to compensate for this. Treatment needs to address the individual’s specific patterns of anxiety, avoidance, emotional regulation, dependence, relationships, and functioning rather than assuming that the problem is permanent because it began in childhood.

Take the Next Step

You Do Not Have to Manage This Alone

Public speaking anxiety, performance anxiety, and social anxiety respond to treatment. If this episode described your experience, a conversation is the great next step.