Parenting The Socially Phobic and Avoidant Adult

SEASON

EPISODE

Teaching Parents to be Therapists: 10 Year Old

Sophie never spoke at school until fourth grade despite her family trying numerous approaches to help her. Her mother describes the dramatically positive results achieved through treatment focused on parental involvement, reducing enabling behaviors, and using parents’ influence to address deeply ingrained patterns of avoidance and dependence.

Episode Overview

What This Episode Is About

The parents of 10-year-old “Sophie” describe years of selective mutism during which virtually no one outside her immediate family heard her voice. She did not speak to teachers or classmates and progressed through school without verbally participating until fourth grade. After numerous unsuccessful attempts to address the problem, her parents learned a different approach centered on their own role in helping her change. Rather than relying exclusively on one-to-one therapy with a child who had little motivation to confront her mutism, they learned strategies for drawing out Sophie’s thoughts and feelings and helping her face situations she normally avoided. Her parents describe the outcome as “overwhelmingly positive,” saying they felt as though they had “given birth to a whole new person.” They also explain how learning to communicate differently with Sophie improved their parenting and their understanding of both of their children.

At a Glance

This podcast is best for:

Parents, concerned adults, and professionals supporting adult children who struggle with social anxiety and avoidance.

Episode Details:

min,

sec

October 27, 2025

Full Transcript

This episode's transcript:

[00:00:00]

I’m on the phone with Richard and Zavik from Virginia who have a very interesting story to tell. Would you be kind enough to share with the listeners what the story was, what the situation was with your daughter when you first contacted me? She was in a… Well, she hardly ever spoke to anyone. The only people she ever spoke with was myself, mother, and her dad. She, both of her grandparents and her sister at the time. And at the beginning, though, she started doing this at the age of about four, four and a half. She just stopped talking to anyone else. No one ever really heard her voice. We did try so many different things and we did not succeed until we contacted you.

[00:00:51]

And she… And she was… she’s how old now? She is 10 now. 10. Okay. Now, she was not talking to most people. This is obviously selective mutism. What was going on in school with her? In school, she didn’t react to nobody. She only left when she was talked to her or she listened to other classmates talking. She just left, you know, if there was anything funny. But as far as talking to the teachers, that was a no. As far as talking to classmates, no one ever heard her voice. And that went on and on until the fourth grade. She did no… none of the teachers heard her voice. Until, mainly talking freely until she reached the fourth grade.

[00:01:43]

And what was going on with her socially? Socially, she was just alone, basically, at the beginning because she just… People… the kids didn’t want to be with her because she was not talking back. So she was feeling left out at the beginning. But now it’s overwhelmingly… I mean, we’re just so happy. I can’t even describe it. How well she’s doing. That’s fabulous. I’m going to get that in a minute. But I want to know also at the beginning when the selective mutism was going full force, how was that affecting you as parents? As far as how she was… You saw your daughter having these problems. What was going on for you? How was it affecting you? It was very painful to see her going through that.

[00:02:35]

I wanted to do anything possible to get her be free and comfortable just to see her looking frustrated and getting, you know, like looking at me like she can’t do it. As a mother, it was so hard for me to just to see her going through that. And whatever we did, we just did not succeed at the time. It was hurtful. Where is she at now? What’s the current situation? She’s doing excellent. Excellent saying she’s very funny. She talks to all of her classmates now at school. She’s very free with the family members, joking, laughing, talking out loud. I mean, as if she’s a different person. As if I give a… When she started talking, I felt like I gave a birth to a whole new person.

[00:03:29]

Wow. It was amazing to us. And of course when she did talk, we had no reaction of none toward her for her to see what was going on. But inside of us, it was just overwhelmed. You know, it’s an incredible story. And one of the things that you can do now to really help listeners because so many parents, most parents who have this problem with their child don’t take any action. They hope that the child’s going to grow out of the situation. Usually that doesn’t happen. That’s the mistake that is made. You’re in Virginia. I’m here in New York. I never met you. I never met your daughter. You’ve had such wonderful success. And I’d like you to talk a little bit about whatever comes to mind about what you did, what both of you learned how to do to resolve the situation.

[00:04:21]

One of the key for me was talking to her. Getting her feelings out was the main key for me. Understanding what she was going through, which I never said down and talked to her before. I did not understand that. But now we continue doing that and we see so much progress in her. And it helped me in life itself being more common understanding what she had gone through and helping me through as well. So you learned how to extract the thoughts, the thinking and the feelings from your daughter. Exactly. Exactly. Talk. Tell me. Say that again? That helped me my daily life as well to be honest with you. I don’t understand anything. No, no. Describe that. I’m sure that what you say can be of benefit to many mothers who are listening.

[00:05:17]

Because I have a second daughter, so I know exactly now how to approach if they have any type of situation talking to them, making them understand just doing things in life. It’s normal, normal things, obviously. It’s just helping me to help them more for their future. So it’s great. Just talk to them. That’s what I say. Just understand them, talk to them, get their feelings out. It helps tremendously. I think that’s a wonderful place to end this interview. I thank you very much for sharing.

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Jonathan Berent, LCSW

Psychotherapist & Author — Social Anxiety and Performance Anxiety

Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W., A.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist who has been practicing since 1978. He has created the Berent Treatment Method for Social Anxiety, which is the result of his clinical work with thousands of individuals of all ages with social anxiety since 1978. He has extensive clinical experience with avoidance and dependance personality disorder, and is the author of Work Makes Me Nervous: Overcome Anxiety and Build the Confidence to Succeed (Wiley, 2010), Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties (Simon & Schuster, 1992), and Social Anxiety: The Untold Story, which is a training course for mental health professionals in using the Berent Method to treat social anxiety. (Andrew Kukes Foundation, 2011).

SocialAnxiety.com, has served millions of unique visitors as a multimedia clearinghouse for patients, parents, and fellow mental health professionals in search of articles, educational materials, and books on social anxiety and related subjects. His library of clinical interviews appears to be the most documented clinical success with social anxiety.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
40+ years in private practice
Author of "Beyond Shyness" and "Work Makes Me Nervous"
Featured on national television and radio
Specialist in performance and social anxiety

Guest Speaker

Frequently Asked Questions

Common Questions About Social Anxiety Treatment

How can parents help an adult child with severe social anxiety?

Parents can help by first understanding how an “addiction to avoidance” is enabled. This is followed by parent team building and an empowering methodology that provides support while encouraging emotional growth, responsibility, and greater independence rather than continually protecting the adult child from situations that produce anxiety.

Why would a therapist work with the parents of an adult child with social anxiety?

There are very few therapists who know how to work with parents of socially phobic-avoidant adults given the complexities of the avoidance-dependence stasis. The most noticeable exception to this is the Berent Treatment Methodology. An adult child’s anxiety does not exist entirely in isolation from the family system. Parents may have developed understandable patterns of rescuing, accommodating, protecting, or compensating for the child’s avoidance. Working with parents can help change these patterns and create an environment that better supports treatment, responsibility, and independence.

What role do parents play in treating an avoidant adult child?

Because if they do not learn and implement an empowering game plan the pathology of avoidance-dependence can be permanent. Parents can play an important role because their responses may influence the adult child’s patterns of dependence and avoidance. Learning when to support, when to establish boundaries, when to stop rescuing, and how to encourage greater responsibility is an important part of changing the overall family dynamic.

Can parents unintentionally reinforce avoidance behaviors?

Yes. Parents naturally want to protect their children from emotional pain, but repeatedly accommodating avoidance can unintentionally strengthen it. Providing excessive reassurance, solving every problem, or allowing an adult child to withdraw from responsibilities without a plan for change may reinforce dependence. Learning how to encourage healthy independence is often an important part of the recovery process.

Should I push my socially anxious adult child outside their comfort zone?

Yes, but methodically. Simply forcing an adult child into feared situations can increase conflict and resistance but continually protecting them from discomfort can reinforce avoidance. The goal is to help the person develop the ability to tolerate anxiety and take meaningful steps toward functioning rather than either eliminating all discomfort or demanding immediate independence.

Take the Next Step

You Do Not Have to Manage This Alone

Public speaking anxiety, performance anxiety, and social anxiety respond to treatment. If this episode described your experience, a conversation is the great next step.