Parenting The Socially Phobic and Avoidant Adult

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EPISODE

Selective Mutism: 7-year-old “Cured”: “ It’s A Whole New World”

Lynn’s daughter Sidney experienced selective mutism for years despite professionals repeatedly suggesting she would simply outgrow it. Unable to speak with most people, her condition increasingly affected school and academic assessment. Lynn explains how corrective parenting became an important component of addressing her daughter’s selective mutism.

Episode Overview

What This Episode Is About

“Lynn” describes her daughter “Sidney,” who had been selectively mute for approximately three years by the time she entered first grade. Sidney spoke comfortably to only a small group of family members and a few children. When other adults attempted to engage her, she would look down, freeze, and completely shut down. Teachers struggled to assess her abilities because she would not read or respond verbally at school, even though she could perform those tasks successfully at home. Lynn and her husband repeatedly received well-intentioned advice that Sidney would simply grow out of the problem, while they became increasingly frustrated and worried. After treatment focused heavily on corrective parenting and changing the patterns surrounding her mutism, Sidney’s behavior changed dramatically. Lynn describes her daughter speaking with children and adults, fully participating at school, and being viewed by her teacher as “just like the other kids.”

At a Glance

This podcast is best for:

Parents, concerned adults, and professionals supporting adult children who struggle with social anxiety and avoidance.

Episode Details:

min,

sec

March 6, 2026

Full Transcript

This episode's transcript:

[00:00:00]

I’m on the phone with Lynn from California. Thank you for joining us. Sure. Lynn, could you describe what was going on with your daughter when we first met, when you contacted me? Okay. When we first met, Sydney was in the first grade, and she had been selectively mute for at least three years prior to that. She spoke to a few of the children in her class, and only spoke to myself, her dad, her grandmother, and her grandfather and brother. Those were the only people she would speak to at that time. So what would happen when she was in the presence of other people? What would go on? She would get clingy. She did what we called was shut down, when if somebody addressed her or spoke to her, she would basically just look down at the ground and kind of freeze up.

[00:01:04]

And what was going on in school? She was doing okay in school with her studies. She didn’t necessarily excel, and I know that the teachers expressed some frustration because they felt that they didn’t really know where she was because she couldn’t really read to them or wouldn’t read to them. But that’s important. She could read, but she would not read. Yes. She actually read quite well at home. Here at the house, the two of us would read with her and do her homework together, and that was all fine. But there was no way for the teachers to hear her read.

[00:01:55]

So am I correct in understanding that when she was in school, she would not read, she would not be verbal to the teachers, she would not talk to other students? Is that accurate? Correct. So that must have created some kind of stress. Well, it caused stress for her, definitely, because she knew when she went to school that she was going to be expected to do something and to participate to some degree in the class. So, yes, I think school was difficult for her. Well, what about for the parents? What was going on for you? What were the teachers telling you? Well, for the most part, the teachers didn’t know really what to tell me, and I was actually looking to them to give me some guidance in this situation, hoping that they had dealt with a child or two with the same problem.

[00:02:56]

But most of the advice I got was that she would grow out of it. What were you and your husband experiencing as you saw Sidney not talking in so many different environments, as you got this feedback that things were rather, I think, disturbing in school? Well, we were frustrated, for one thing, because we would hope that she would move on or move past this whatever it was. And it was actually very frustrating for us when she didn’t succeed in speaking or performing whatever task was asked of her that day.

[00:03:49]

And it was actually very sad to see her come home and have, I guess, for lack of a better word, failed to do what was asked of her. Okay. So we had a situation where your daughter, age six, was not talking in school at all, was talking very selectively, pardon the pun, to close members of the family, was not talking to most of her peers, was not talking to adults. The situation had been going on for a number of years. The parents were developing their own anxiety in terms of how to deal with it. But there was a lot of confusion. You were saying it was a really sad situation. I can understand that. Where would you say the situation is at currently? Oh, currently, it’s a whole other world we’re living in.

[00:04:41]

Right now, she is verbal with all children. She answers adults when they address her or ask her questions. She will answer them. She is participating in school fully. Her teacher at our last appointment, her exact words were, she’s just like the other kids.

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Jonathan Berent, LCSW

Psychotherapist & Author — Social Anxiety and Performance Anxiety

Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W., A.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist who has been practicing since 1978. He has created the Berent Treatment Method for Social Anxiety, which is the result of his clinical work with thousands of individuals of all ages with social anxiety since 1978. He has extensive clinical experience with avoidance and dependance personality disorder, and is the author of Work Makes Me Nervous: Overcome Anxiety and Build the Confidence to Succeed (Wiley, 2010), Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties (Simon & Schuster, 1992), and Social Anxiety: The Untold Story, which is a training course for mental health professionals in using the Berent Method to treat social anxiety. (Andrew Kukes Foundation, 2011).

SocialAnxiety.com, has served millions of unique visitors as a multimedia clearinghouse for patients, parents, and fellow mental health professionals in search of articles, educational materials, and books on social anxiety and related subjects. His library of clinical interviews appears to be the most documented clinical success with social anxiety.

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
40+ years in private practice
Author of "Beyond Shyness" and "Work Makes Me Nervous"
Featured on national television and radio
Specialist in performance and social anxiety

Guest Speaker

Frequently Asked Questions

Common Questions About Social Anxiety Treatment

How can parents help an adult child with severe social anxiety?

Parents can help by first understanding how an “addiction to avoidance” is enabled. This is followed by parent team building and an empowering methodology that provides support while encouraging emotional growth, responsibility, and greater independence rather than continually protecting the adult child from situations that produce anxiety.

What role do parents play in treating an avoidant adult child?

Because if they do not learn and implement an empowering game plan the pathology of avoidance-dependence can be permanent. Parents can play an important role because their responses may influence the adult child’s patterns of dependence and avoidance. Learning when to support, when to establish boundaries, when to stop rescuing, and how to encourage greater responsibility is an important part of changing the overall family dynamic.

Can parents unintentionally reinforce avoidance behaviors?

Yes. Parents naturally want to protect their children from emotional pain, but repeatedly accommodating avoidance can unintentionally strengthen it. Providing excessive reassurance, solving every problem, or allowing an adult child to withdraw from responsibilities without a plan for change may reinforce dependence. Learning how to encourage healthy independence is often an important part of the recovery process.

Should I push my socially anxious adult child outside their comfort zone?

Yes, but methodically. Simply forcing an adult child into feared situations can increase conflict and resistance but continually protecting them from discomfort can reinforce avoidance. The goal is to help the person develop the ability to tolerate anxiety and take meaningful steps toward functioning rather than either eliminating all discomfort or demanding immediate independence.

Why would a therapist work with the parents of an adult child with social anxiety?

There are very few therapists who know how to work with parents of socially phobic-avoidant adults given the complexities of the avoidance-dependence stasis. The most noticeable exception to this is the Berent Treatment Methodology. An adult child’s anxiety does not exist entirely in isolation from the family system. Parents may have developed understandable patterns of rescuing, accommodating, protecting, or compensating for the child’s avoidance. Working with parents can help change these patterns and create an environment that better supports treatment, responsibility, and independence.

Take the Next Step

You Do Not Have to Manage This Alone

Public speaking anxiety, performance anxiety, and social anxiety respond to treatment. If this episode described your experience, a conversation is the great next step.