Welcome. This is Jonathan Berent. What do the following individuals have in common? A world-renowned physician with public speaking panic. A $5 million a year CEO with the same public speaking panic. The number two men in a Fortune 500 company with the same profile as the previous two. You get the picture, individuals who have achieved elite career status. Now consider the following. A 40-year-old mother of two who considered an operation to sever her nerves due to fear of blushing. This is called erythrophobia. The 26-year-old male and female who live pathologically avoidant and dependent lifestyles characterized by technology dependence, work, and social avoidance. All of these behaviors enabled by parents or caregivers.
How about the bright seven-year-old who talks normally at home but is selectively mute at school? How about the high school starting point guard on the basketball team who avoided shooting the ball at all costs due to fear of missing? When I played ball, there wasn’t a shot I didn’t want to take. The intelligent teenager with school phobia. An attractive 36-year-old who has never dated or experienced intimacy with the opposite sex. Let’s do one more. An adolescent with significant developmental disabilities and selective mutism. Do you want to know what all these individuals, despite age differences and functioning levels have in common? Here’s the answer.
Are you ready? This is huge. Well they all worked with me. All were suffering significantly from performance and social anxiety and all of them experienced an imbalance of mind-states when they entered treatment. When considering treatment for social and performance anxiety, thoughtful evaluation would say that a model adapted to the specific needs of this specific anxiety is productive rather than trying to fit the condition into rigid, restrictive, existing models. Most noticeably, the nonsensical promises and absurd research perpetuated by the CBT community. I want to be very clear here. Behavior and cognition are very important variables to consider in treatment but if you miss the emotion physiological connection you are playing the wrong game. Please feel free to quote me on this. A productive model of treatment is going to have several tools.
Since 1978 one of the tools that I have integrated into therapy is the utilization of mind-states. Let’s dive into what this is all about. Everything starts with the organicity of the brain, within which is the neocortex for conscious thinking and the subcortex for non-conscious content and energy. Both are critical for healing. Located in the brain is the personality. Analytical approaches agree that the personality is comprised of five mind-states. The analytical formula that I use in treatment originates from transactional analysis, a psychology developed by Eric Berne and others in the 60s. It’s a much more functional approach to analytics than classical Freudian approaches. Perhaps you are aware of the book I’m okay, you’re okay, which is a transactional analysis primer. In this podcast I want to introduce you to each state. Being able to think in mind-state terms can be an empowering technique and therapy unto itself. Now you need a visual. Look at the picture cover of this episode. The before-ego graph represents the baseline, the starting point of social and performance anxiety. Resolution looks like the after graph.
All mind-states are important. There’s no such thing as a bad mind-state. You can see that we do not want to get rid of any. The goal is to change the balance or synergy. The synergy will determine one’s mind, body or psychophysiological energy. Energy control is what recovery and high performance are all about. Let’s address energy for a moment. A Harvard Business Review article from November 2013 discusses the importance of emotional agility for work performance. Emotional agility is the process of labeling emotions. Let’s take this a step further. The Latin word for emotion, emotere, e-m-o-t-e-r-e, is translated to mean energy in motion. Think for a moment about how profound the concept this is. Emotions are energy. The after-ego graph provides a visual of a significant energy shift. The after-ego graph represents what I call a high-performance mind.
This means developing a proactive approach to health and happiness. Performance anxiety is a major rode block for this process. No matter what the functioning level, the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar corporation or the 26-year-old living in his room with performance anxiety, the objective of mind-state shifting is the same, although the issues are dramatically different. Now, I’ll introduce you to each state. Look at the top graph and the state in the middle. The adult is your internal computer. It’s your scientific self. Logic, objectivity, not contaminated by emotion. This state is critical for problem-solving. It mediates between the other states. Put yourself and your adult now and answer the following. On a scale of one to ten, what’s the severity of your social anxiety or the person you are concerned about? Use your objective observation skills. Identify the degree of social avoidance and overdependence at play, as well as the degree of mind-body discomfort when facing anxiety to determine your answer. Ask yourself, where do you need to apply more logic versus emotion to your anxiety or that of your dependent? Where do you need a more effective approach to problem-solving? Welcome to the adult. One patient was president of the PTA.
Once, when addressing her audience, a person at the back of the room said, I can’t hear you. This triggered a panic attack. At the next therapy session, I asked her to put herself and her adult and answer the question, what did he mean? The answer? Simply, he couldn’t hear me. Yes, indeed. However, this triggered unresolved content from her reservoir. The reservoir is one’s emotional, conscious, and not conscious past and present. Think of being triggered as a bottom-up dynamic. One story I love telling is about Kirk Reader. Kirk won the most games as a left-hander pitching for the San Francisco Giants. In treatment, everything is confidential, but the readers have given me permission to tell their story. In fact, they are featured in a selective mutism seminar available at socialanxiety.com where they describe how their daughter resolved selective mutism. Joking around once, I asked Kirk, did you ever have a bad game? He responded, I was pitching against the Rockies and losing six zip in the first inning with no one out.
I asked, how do you deal with this? He responded, I have to pitch every fifth day, so what I think about is what do I have to do to be better the next time out? Isn’t this the perfect high-performance response and use of the adult state? Ask yourself, what gets in the way of this thinking? The answer? Too excessive an internal critical script and challenged self-esteem? This brings us to the critical parent. Now look at the left-hand tower. In this state is the energy of values, evaluation, criticism, judgment. Remember, it’s all about energy. Good, bad, grow up to be, success is. Give an example of values. You learn from your parents, which you both agree and disagree with and you have identified this state. If your parents thought you don’t play in traffic, that’s good criticism. I have recorded myself countless times during a multiplicity of media platforms over a 45-year career, the purpose of which was to critique myself for higher performance. You get the point. That said, the excessive content and energy in this state is the cause of performance anxiety. Social anxiety is based on performance.
Messages in this state drive anxiety, for example, if you are nervous people will see who you really are. You better be perfect or you are not okay enough. If you make a mistake, you are screwed forever. If you take a risk, you will humiliate and embarrass yourself. And this goes on. Let’s be clear on a very important dynamic. It is the drive in this mind state that creates performance success. Messages include you must be successful. Do whatever it takes. Drive for perfection. Meet your goals at any cost. It’s the inability to control it, which causes the anxiety. With selective mutism, which is an obsessive compulsive detach reflex from speaking, the critical script says, don’t talk and you will be safe. Or if you speak, make sure the words you say are just right or you are not good enough. Don’t speak and you can detach from reality.
It’s better not to take risks. In the case of the 26-year-old who lives in his room, the excessive critical script not only drives pervasive embarrassment avoidance, it goes deeper and is not necessarily conscious. Examples include, you can create your own reality. Your parents owe it to you. They created me. Therefore, they are responsible for me. If you don’t get what you want, have a temper tantrum. Act out in some form to get what you want. This all results in status quo, stasis pathology as the temper tantrum controls the parents. The excessive energy that originates from the internal critical script is the problem. It’s unrealistic expectations create anxiety. Now you’re going to need a sense of humor.
If one is going to recover and develop a high performance mind, there is a battle to be fought with this toxic script. Therefore, I’ve given it a personality. This comes from a book I gave my granddaughter when she was five years old. It’s called Runaway Booger B-O-O-G-E-R. The enemy to be vanquished you now know as Booger. Both the CEO and the 26-year-old who has not launched both have their booger. Ready for a very important question. What would you do with a little child who is close to you who is quite upset and having a temper tantrum? Look at the right-hand tower, the adapted child. Learn behavior and emotion which obviously is super important. Anytime you learn a new skill, you are in your adapted child. That said, the anxiety itself is located in this mind state. Adaptation is productive until it turns into maladaptation. Loosely interpreted, I’m positioning the anxiety as an internal temper tantrum because it’s all about unresolved emotional energy which is recycling with no release from the human system.
Does this make sense? To take this further, obsessive worry and rumination, fear of panic, and the anxiety itself is interchangeable with the concept of pain. The inner child is in pain because of the excessive directives coming from Booger. Now look at the two tall towers. This is the problem. Think of it as a mind tick. Not a neurological tip but a deeply ingrained mind-body psychophysiological reflex. The two towers provide a visual of one’s trauma. Trauma is located deep in the adapted child mind state. Booger triggers it. There are three types of traumas, acute, chronic, and complex. This will be the subject of another podcast. Here is an example of a trauma reflex. 25 years ago, a very smart person said to me, get ready for e-commerce. Little did I know. Now, from my home office, I can work with individuals around the world. Wonderful, easy access, no travel time, no germs, no viruses, no snow cancellations. I operate clinically by the atomic clock. It’s quite precise. It’s a whole new world. That’s the positive. After several acute technology traumas, including losing internet service, a problem that took months to fix years ago, dealing with the abusive monster known as
Google for marketing purposes, and an overall stressful adaptation to technology over two decades, I have developed technology PTSD. I refer to this as click anxiety. When I grew up, the most common form of communication was talking. Now it’s texting. It’s mind blowing to me. So now when I click on a link and there is a delay, I get triggered from bottom up of memories where I was out of control with technology. It sucks, but it’s an ongoing necessary challenge. Let’s sidebar for a moment. Important information you may want to take note of. Alcohol is the drug of choice for social anxiety because it lowers the towers. The problem is that it depresses the energy across the board in all states. The objective of psychopharmacology, medicine, when needed for social and performance anxiety, is to create neuroplasticity or flexibility.
The specific goal is to decrease the towers so that the other states can grow more effectively, which is the process and goal of treatment. Now look at the mind state on the far left, the nurturing parent. This is the most important state to develop. The operative definition of nurturing is to provide support and develop growth. This is a multi-dimensional process. There are many components of nurturing. What comes to mind when you think of nurturing yourself? Here are seven critical points for developing this state. Number one, the social anxiety sufferer is coming to the clinical table with a nurturing deficit. This manifests primarily with an inability or difficulty with self-acknowledgement on an emotional, not cognitive, on an emotional level. This is due to the overriding influence of the critical script. Therefore, self-acknowledgement muscle needs to be developed. For example, Jay, age 28, was in sales for a security company. His performance reviews were spectacular.
He was getting the job done in every way. His boss acknowledged that he was doing the work of three people. He received a $50,000 bonus. Despite the accolades and tremendous positive feedback, Jay was unable to acknowledge on an emotional level his success. He could not appreciate his success because of his excessive critical script booger, which kept saying, do more, don’t smell the roses, don’t stop to appreciate your success, keep driving. This overdrive script was causing his panic and a dreadful fear of being noticeably nervous when addressing groups which led him to medicine and treatment. Number two, and this is so important, developing introspective and interoceptive skills.
This is internal awareness regarding thinking, emotion, and physiology. In other words, understanding your mind, body, or psychological connection. This requires a crossfit or paradoxical methodology. When individuals or families come to a treatment session with me, it’s a crossfit workout as there’s a need to develop underused neural or brain pathways. If you listen to the episode titled world-renowned physician describes her cure for public speaking anxiety, you will hear Kendra describe her newfound awareness of and I quote, how my conscious thoughts drive emotions and actions rather than allow them to flow as if directed by some external force. Number three, understand that healing is based on both top down and bottom up approaches.
Top down include conscious implementation of technique. The primary technique in the baron method is surfing, which is based on adrenaline acceptance. I love going to the beach in East Hampton where I live to watch the surfers who appreciate it when the waves are high, especially in stormy weather. Bottom up requires organized and deep reservoir work. The reservoir again is one’s conscious and not conscious past and present. Deep in the subcortex are physiological capsules of trauma. Number four, brain health, sleep, nutrition, exercise. When I’m able to start my day with an aerobic workout followed by two minutes in my ice bath, it’s a great for stress management. Number five, realistic expectations about one’s learning curve for healing and developing high performance. In essence, once performance anxiety is an ingrained reflex, you need to think that the pace of recovery is more like a 10k versus a sprint, although everyone has their own learning curve. It’s imperative to invest in the paradox of stretching your mind into unfamiliar and difficult territory, which requires accessing underused neural or brain pathways. Many of my patients are perfectionists. In addition to perfectionism being a symptom of insecurity, it creates unrealistic, rigid, often black and white expectations versus embracing
the process of a learning curve. This is the reason I refer to my treatment program as CrossFit. Number six, determining if pharmacological support is required and if so, how to use medicine productively because all too often it’s not. I can’t overstate this. Number seven, your most valuable asset is time. It’s important to have a proactive game plan for anxiety management. Playing defense puts more pressure on one’s nervous system. It makes the anxiety more ingrained and sucks the life out of self-esteem. It makes time the enemy as the problem accrues over time.
Put yourself in your adult now. What percentage of offense or defense are you playing with your performance anxiety? I have an indoor basketball court, a half court in my house. I used to have a legendary game there. It was so much fun, which is an important dynamic of one’s natural child. Now, the bummer is I had to retire from basketball 15 years ago because of orthopedic stress. My assistant, who used to coordinate players for the game, used to play Division I basketball. He once had 23 rebounds against a major opponent. Now, he has a hard time walking because of aging issues. A bunch of the players have died. This reality knocks home the reality that time is not elastic. It doesn’t stretch. It is your most valuable asset. So get moving.
To dumb a complex subject down regarding young adults with failure to launch, nurturing and empowering starts with the parents, learning and initiating an empowering game plan because the young adult has no initiative for their mental health. So if you are a parent of a 20 or 30 year old who is not functioning socially or work wise and you think they will grow out of it, you are in delusional territory. Now, not to be offensive, but I have met many parents who do believe this. Next state to be developed is the adult. Remember, this is not intelligence. I already know you are intelligent if you are listening to this podcast. It’s your scientific evidence based self. This includes developing observation skills and applying objectivity and logic to problem solving.
Use your adult to clarify to what degree anxiety has inhibited your problem solving. Use your adult to determine your degree of detachment, disconnecting and avoidance. If you are the parent of an adult with a sustained failure to launch, ask yourself, is it likely your adult child will grow out of the problem at this point? Last, but certainly not least, look at the state on the far right, the natural child. In this state is genuine emotion. It includes discovery, exploration, imagination, creativity and the development of ideas. It’s passion. It’s one’s primitive self. It’s sexuality. It’s fun. Very importantly, it is the truth of desire. Now do something very important.
You ready? Identify a desire that you have experienced that has been blocked because of anxiety. It could be anything. Giving a speech, not asking a question, learning a new skill, asking someone on a date, networking. Do you know the result of this avoidant behavior other than relief in real time? Here comes the core issue. The result of natural child mind state suffocation due to anxiety is TMS. What is that you ask? Tension myositis syndrome. Dr. John E. Sarno M.D. died in 2017. World famous for his work on back pain and author of many books, including the mind body prescription, Sarno would take his patients through training based on the dynamic that repressed emotion is so powerful, it inhibits the flow of oxygen into the bloodstream.
The result TMS. What this translates to is that any symptom that does not have a biological cause to it is a manifestation of TMS. Social and performance anxiety is a manifestation of TMS. The brilliance of Sarno’s work is how he organized the content in one’s reservoir into compartments, including one childhood, two self-imposed pressures, three the pressures of life, and four other emotions. Sarno’s reservoir organization is the basis of core therapeutic work in the baron method. It organizes the process of going vertically which brings relevant content to a conscious level. Once vertical is achieved, connecting to the emotional self is critical for recovery and high performance. Remember, that’s because of emo tear, energy. You have to feel it to control it. I hope this podcast has been helpful. The primary message that I hope you take away is that your blueprint for social anxiety control and developing a high performance mind is nurturing your natural child with a good dose of adult. One more time. Nurturing your natural child with a good dose of adult. I wish you good health and high performance.
