A collection of questions and sharing by our readership community about a wide variety of aspects of social anxiety. Dive in and receive practical insights and advice.
QUESTION BY:
Anonymous
Mom of 18 Yr Old With Selective Mutism and AvoIDance Person
I’m the mother of an 18-year-old who recently graduated high school. His life feels like it’s at a standstill—he doesn’t want to get a job, go to college, or even get his driver’s license. I recently took him to a psychologist for two sessions (by bribing him), but he didn’t speak at all during either session, and the psychologist didn’t seem to know how to engage him. Now he refuses to see anyone else, saying, “It won’t work.”
I’ve bought him books and shared helpful websites, but he refuses to engage with any of it. He has two friends, but he rarely sees them. I’ve tried setting timelines and expectations, but nothing has worked.
Should I be setting ultimatums? How do I get him to want help or to become motivated enough to work on this and set small goals? He did recently express interest in piano lessons, and I’m currently looking into that. I’m just hoping he doesn’t back out.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Jonathan Responds:
My advice is that you (the parents) develop an understanding of the degree of your son’s “primitive” functioning so that you can let go of any unrealistic expectations. Very sadly, the anxiety has taken over his life and has evolved into an avoidant personality. “Primitive” means “spending as little energy as possible to sustain baseline functioning”. A characteristic of this is his lack of initiative and motivation to heal. Therefore; parents need to learn a therapeutic methodology of empowering as well as non-enabling. It takes hard work due to the degree of resistance present. Please be very careful about my reference to “methodology”. Hit or miss approaches make the problem worse. Expecting that one to one therapy for him would be productive is an example of unrealistic expectations because he does not have the motivation to heal. In addition, he probably would not present reality to the therapist. This is why it’s imperative for parents to integrated into treatment when the focus is the resistant adult.
